I had it all figured out. Who I was, what I was going to accomplish, the empire I was going to build for God, the legacy I was going to leave behind. It was brilliant. It was glorious. I was proud of myself.
And then God said,
“Um…I didn’t ask you to be that. How about just following Me?”
I was shocked.
“But God, this is great. Look at it! I have the tools, the resources, the platforms, the connections, the leadership, everything. I can create a network. I can build a movement. I can change the world.”
“And what can I do?”
“Where am I in this plan of yours?”
Very uncomfortable silence.
“Is this for My glory? Or are you just trying to impress yourself?”
“I…well, I —”
“Why does everything you say start with ‘I’? What about Me?”
“Do you really think you can do anything worthwhile? Do you think you are noble or brilliant or good or just or powerful? Why don’t we take a look at yourself. Then we’ll decide if you have it in you.”
“But God, I thought I was supposed to —”
And then it happened.
My kingdom began to implode. The foundation was exposed and uprooted — pride, deception, ambition, lust, idolatry, fear…a massive black hole was forming. I tried to run from myself, but it was too late. I descended into a thick, dark melancholia. Terror. Dread.
And then God said,
“Now, look at Me.”
I recoiled in pain.
“God, I can’t, I’m so black and hideous and empty and —“
“No, I said look at Me.”
“But God, it will destroy me. I’m collapsing on myself. I’m not supposed to be like this. I’ll fail. I can’t do anything anymore. Don’t do this to me, I’m dying. Please, I can’t. Just kill me right here and get it over with.”
“Do you really think I would ask you to do something without enabling you to complete it, you of little faith? You aren’t going to die. Come on. Look.”
I glanced up for a brief moment, squinting from the glare, and groaned at the distance between us.
“God, You’re too far. I’m too weak. I’ll never make it. I can’t.”
Then God answered,